Ask her how it went

She tells you something small on a Tuesday. A coworker said something. Her sister called. Her back hurts again. You nod, you file it, you move on. Then three weeks later she says you don't know her anymore, and you think that's unfair, because you were right there the whole time.

You read her mood and build a whole story out of it. Tired means annoyed with you. Quiet means something's wrong. Then you act on the story instead of checking it. You go cold, or you overcorrect, or you pick at something unrelated because you don't want to ask straight. Ask the question instead of writing the script. How did that meeting actually go. What did she say back. Are you still thinking about it. Four seconds of asking beats an evening of guessing.

First answers are polite. Fine. Long. Same as always. That's not her hiding, that's her testing whether you actually want more. So ask a second time, different angle. Then be quiet long enough that the quiet gets a little awkward. Most of what matters comes out in the second or third sentence, after she sees you're not just waiting for your turn. Don't fix it. Don't tell her what she should have said to the coworker. She knows. She wants a witness, not a consultant.

Attention proves itself later. Bring it up the next day. Ask how the thing turned out. That's the move that tells her you weren't performing interest, you were paying it. Keeping track of her life costs you almost nothing and it's the thing she'll name years from now when someone asks her why she stayed.

Ask her one specific question about her day and ask a second time before you say anything about yours.

Here's the part worth sitting with. You can do this badly for a long stretch and it doesn't disqualify you. Scripture says while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). Not after the cleanup. Before it. Your standing didn't wait on your performance, which means you can look straight at where you've been absent without it crushing you. A man who isn't defending his record is free to improve it. Go ask the question.